I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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