I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
