At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
