I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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