Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
