3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
