lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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