Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
