don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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