she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
