I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
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You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
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I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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