i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
