well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
