I cockslap morals
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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