I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
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Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
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My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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