I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
