You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
