be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
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ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
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Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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