don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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