so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
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he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
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Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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