New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
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The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
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He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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