Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
