Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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