Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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