I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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