I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
