Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
