hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
