I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
