Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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