Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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