There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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