I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
