Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
