I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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