Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
He felt like a one man threesome
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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