I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
