my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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