So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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