I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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