I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
