for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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