Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
