I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
