you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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