did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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