When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
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All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
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Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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