My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
