So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I see more hoeing in ur future
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