I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just blew my weed a kiss
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
