By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
