i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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