He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
