I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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