but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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