the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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