Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Im part way to drunk.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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