Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
